1920 London

Starring: A lot of names that progressively get more difficult to say

Director: Tinu Suresh "MTV" Desai

Fright Level: 1/10

Horror Takeaway: Why aren't we seeing more music videos in horror movies these days?

Favorite Line: "I cannot understand anything, Jai!"

Well, gang, today's review may top #Horror as I subjected myself to director Tinu Suresh Desai's horror/music video 1920 London. For those of you keeping score at home, this is the third installment of a series of Indian horror films that are directed by the horror trio Vikram Bhatt, Bhushan Patel, and today's captain, Desai. If you are worried that the franchise might die after this lackluster effort then have no fear, because a spin-off is coming next year, aptly titled 1921.

We begin the movie with Princess Shivangi (Meera Chopra) arriving home from London to impart some terrible news to her family, and to marvel at her father's impressive facial hair. She explains that her husband, Veer (Vishal Karwal), is studying law in London, but before we receive any more information we cut to an opening credits song of the happy couple doing silly things in the city. This will be the first of four music video-like songs that interrupt the story, so settle in.

At one point during the music montage, the couple receives a necklace and a letter from Sebedar Bismil, someone from Veer's side of the family. When the music video concludes we see that the necklace is not as benevolent as it appears because it starts spewing inky black smoke. We know bad times have arrived.

Veer wanders the house as a child's laugh track repeats over and over again. Eventually, he discovers a rocking chair doing its rocking thing all by itself in front of an open window. Although it appears pretty blustery outside by evidence of the blowing curtains, Veer is still shocked to see it rocking. Finding nothing else out of the ordinary, Veer shuffles back to bed, completely unaware that he is being followed. Once he lies down, he becomes possessed. Cue inciting incident.

After suffering from a violent seizure, Shiv takes Veer to the hospital where he spazzes some more. Despite the black bruises mottling his skin and the fact that Veer can contort himself better than the U.S. gymnastics team, the resident doctor believes he simply has tetanus. The doctor tells Shiv that it's a rare condition that only affects one out of every one-thousand people (meaning, not that rare) and has no known cure at the time. Remember, it's 1920, and I think this is the only time that year is relevant to anything in this film.

More possession bending happens to Veer and the paintings of him around his house start donning the classic "black holes for eyes" look. Shiv's Aunt Kesar (Sushmita Mukherjee), who lives with the couple, explains to Shiv that what's happening to her husband can only be the doings of black magic by Veer's stepmother - a woman who wasn't particularly fond of Veer.

We then jump back to the royal homestead where, after Shiv finishes explaining all this, the family packs the wagon and takes a trip to visit Baba (Gajendra Chouhan), the family witch doctor. Knowing just what to do, Baba sets up a large mirror and explains how it works. He also divulges some details on how evil spirits sometimes wander through them, although this is a big "no-no" in the supernatural community. Baba tries to draw the evil spirit tormenting Veer out through the mirror but is pulled into it instead. After roughing him up a bit, the spirit spits Baba back out, and he exclaims that he's probably not the man for the job. However, there's is one person who can save Veer's life, Baba of Mewar aka Jai Singh Gujar (Sharman Joshi).

And what do you know, we get to catch Jai in action a couple of scenes later. He's like the David Blain of exorcists and shows off all his tricks as he exorcises a demon possessed girl with some killer acrobatic skills. After restoring the peace, Jai returns home to find Shiv's uncle waiting for him and wanting him to meet with the Princess. Jai says he doesn't mess with that anymore and tells the man to leave. So the uncle says he'll just wait outside.

Cue the next music video where, and I'm serious, Jai is actually singing his part. I can only surmise that Sharman Joshi, the actor, is simultaneously promoting his acting and singing careers in 1920 London. That or the director couldn't remember if they were making a musical or a horror film. The music video depicts the once happy couple doing silly things in India.

Four minutes later, after a song that surely made it on a Now CD in India, we're in a flashback where Shiv's uncle is blackmailing her into exploring the Kama Sutra with him in exchange for not telling the king about the princess' fling with Jai. You see, Jai is a shepherd and this is India and the caste system. Things get a little physical and Jai steps in to save the day in an epic fight scene through some ruins. The punching sound effects in this scene would have Ben Burtt (sound designer for Star Wars) squirming in his seat.

All this fun comes to an end when the royal family presses charges against Jai for striking the royal pervert. Thanks to Shiv's testimony against him he is shipped off to prison for five years. When we return to Jai's house after the flashback, he storms out to tell the old man waiting outside to get off his lawn. That's when he runs into Shiv waiting in the royal carriage, and she begs Jai to save Veer's life, insisting that what she didn't to him shouldn't affect anything. Surprisingly, Jai agrees, but he's not doing it for the low; it's going to cost the royal family a "hefty price."

Arriving in London with Jai sporting a fresh pimple on his cheek, the two come to discover that Veer's condition has worsened. He now looks like a tangled-up Mr. Fantastic with leprosy and Jai gives the diagnosis that a witch is draining Veer of all his power and life. Jai should be working for Dr. Tetanus we met earlier.

Shiv and Jai decide that they need to bring Veer home to dispel the witch, but Dr. Tetanus denies them pass because he's technically under his care. And the fact that he's a real doctor and not wearing Aladdin pants like Jai. Working with what they have, Jai explains to Shiv that they need meat in order to draw the witch out, so the Princess convinces the doctor to let them run their little experiment. The doctor is one of my favorite characters in this movie for his reactions to the insanity Shiv and Jai are constantly proposing to him.

Not surprising, the meat trick works and arouses the once unconscious Veer with everyone standing in the room. Jai smugly looks at Dr. Tetanus with a look that can only be, "I told you so." Veer then ramps his possession game up and breaks out of the room, doing his backward crab walk that is the staple of any possession horror film. The group doesn't seem too concerned with catching him as they casually follow him into the basement where they find him gnawing on some chopped up meat.

After laying Veer back down for bed Jai and Shiv put on their detective hats as they try to figure out the root of all their problems. Shiv remembers the amulet they received a while back, and Jai determines that has to be the cause of the possession. He then explains that they need to reverse what's been happening and asks if there's a river or canal nearby. Yet, we just saw Jai arrive in London on a massive boat floating down the Thames River like six hours ago. Did he already forget? No matter, because the couple has to wait until nightfall to do anything, Jai states. Classic horror.

In the next scene Jai explains the plan in oddly specific times, saying that 1) Shiv will only need to chant her memorized mantra for 15 mins to keep the witch locked in the house, 2) Jai will leave the house at 9 pm, and 3) he needs to submerge the necklace in the water at exactly three in the morning. Couple things here: first, why doesn't Jai chant the mantra since he's the professional here and that's the only thing preventing them from dying; second, if Jai needs to submerge the locket at 3 am, why is he leaving at 9 pm? I've been to London, and no matter where you are in the city, it doesn't take six hours to reach its most famous river.

Anyways, so Shiv starts the mantra and we're off to the races. Unfortunately, the family driver taking Jai to the river seems to forget how a car works and crashes it, forcing Jai to run the rest of the way. While Jai is off trouncing around the streets of London Shiv is back home getting jump-scared by the witch. Eventually, the witch plays her ace-in-the-hole and tricks Shiv into thinking it's 3 am and that Veer is as good as new. Ceasing her mantra, the witch is free to roam, and Shiv has failed her end of the bargain.

Now comes a pretty good twist that I did not see coming. By the riverside, Jai starts laughing, and we get a monolog of how he was the one who originally sent Shiv the necklace to possess Veer. He then states that the only way to cure him is with the necklace, which he promptly tosses into the water.

And then...intermission. I'm quite serious; a text appears on the screen that states it's now intermission. Cue the house lights, hit the bathrooms, and refill that popcorn because we'll start the show again shortly.

When we return Shiv and Jai discuss how close they came to destroying the witch, but thanks to Shiv they didn't succeed. Jai says that the next step is discovering where the source of the evil came from. He does this by rubbing a lemon over Veer and explains how he's going to throw it, and Shiv will need to retrieve it all the while being pursued and attacked by the witch. At this point, I feel like even Jai is having a difficult time suppressing his laughter. It feels like pledge week for a fraternity.

Jai goes ahead with the antics and tosses the lemon out of the room and watches Shiv race around the house, trying to retrieve it. All the while, Jai controls the lemon with a pentagram drawn on the palm of his hand and stabbing each point with a pin. Somehow this also controls appliances and doors around the house, but that's a given, I guess. We spend a good chunk of time following Shiv around the house until she finally grabs it and brings it back to Jai.

Cutting a squeezing the lemon, Jai then flings its juices over a piece of paper with letters drawn on it to reveal that the witch is indeed from Veer's family - something that is no news to us. Jai then decides to head back to India to "cut the roots" and kill Subedar, the one who sent the necklace in the first place.

And three is the magic number of music videos as the story breaks into another song, this time depicting Siv and Veer loving around London with the necklace as the main focal point. This is when Shiv realizes that she never told Jai the name of the person who sent the necklace. In shocked anger, Shiv races to the train station to stop Jai from leaving. She slaps him so hard that he misses his train and they both then start cleaning out their closets by hashing out all the terrible things they've done to each other. It is here we discover that Shiv bore false witness against Jai so her father wouldn't kill him because that's love, ain't ya' heard?

The revelation pops Jai on the guilt wagon and decides to help Shiv, for real this time. They head back to the house and Jai summons the witch into a bottle like Christina Aguilera by using Veer's ring as bait. This is strange because the day before Jai was cackling by the river saying how the necklace was the only hope of saving Veer. Who cares about continuity at this point?

Because this is a "horror" movie Jai and Shiv head to a graveyard to bury the bottle, but the headstones and angel statues don't take kindly to that. They assault the couple with aggressive CGI tactics, knocking Jai unconscious.

He wakes up back at the house where he decides it's about time he writes his guru, the man who taught him all his Jedi tricks. This happens by Jai closing his eyes and writing blindly, thus transporting him to his former jail cell where a Gandalf-looking fellow tells him how to beat the witch.

Back in the real world, Jai tells Shiv they need to go to No Moon Hill to visit a broken down church where there should be someone there to help them, maybe. However, before we head to the climax, why not one more song to usher in the last twenty minutes of the film? This time Shiv is shown falling more and more in love with Jai as he helps fix the car when it breaks down on the way to No Moon Hill (proving that their driver literally can't do his one job).

When the song ends, the couple arrives at the church and meets one of the few English speakers in the movies, an old, craggy woman. She delivers the powerful line of, "I'm going to help you by giving you these knives," sounding more like she just learned English fifteen minutes ago and is still figuring out how to annunciate all the words.

The couple then enters what appears to be a barn, though we're not told how exactly they knew to go there, and Jai uses one of the knives to stab an hourglass (where it came from nobody knows). This somehow determines how long Veer has to live because apparently, he's with them as well as Aunt Kesar. Using the second knife, Jai stabs a mirror (another item conveniently in the barn), which opens up the portal to the spirit world. Jai is far more handsome so we can bet he'll probably fair better than Baba did earlier.

Jai then explains that the third knife will be used to stab the witch, but it has to be done in her world because she has a body there. The fun times don't end there gang because when he stabs her, she must give up the necklace, which Shiv then must burn to save Veer. The complexity of the situation feels more like a Mario boss than a witch.

The absurdity doesn't end there. To protect Shiv and Aunt Kesar in our world, I kid you not, Shiv must hold a coconut in front of the mirror. Let that sink in. Not a cross, or Holy Water, or even saying a prayer like she did earlier. A piece of fruit/nut/seed/however you classify a coconut is going to save her from a demonic witch. I won't even ask where Jai got it from.

Anyway, Jai enters the spirit world while Shiv looks dumb holding a coconut. Unsurprisingly, Jai gets the crap kicked out of him, and we discover that when items get thrown around in the spirit world the same happens in our world. This opens up a whole new discussion that the movie decides is not worth explaining, so we'll just move right along.

At one point Shiv is knocked over when a barrel goes flying and, once again, jacks up the entire plan. Luckily, Jai has some seeds in his pocket (what?) and tosses them around the room, thus exposing the witch. He then Matrix jumps across the barn and stabs her in the chest.

The witch drops the necklace, and Jai grabs it and chucks it through the portal. Shiv snags it and makes her way towards the fire Aunt Kesar has made for the final part of the most complex exorcism in the history of exorcisms. But, alas, did you forget we were watching a horror movie? Characters can't walk or run correctly in them, silly viewer. Shiv trips over her dumb self and drops the necklace. The witch sees the end drawing near and after choking and toss Jai starts to make for the mirror. However, Jai has one last trick up his sleeve as he jumps off a stump (don't ask), grabs a log hanging from a bundle in the air (don't ask), and throws it at the mirror, shattering it. You are probably asking, "But Zach, if he just threw the necklace through the mirror, wouldn't the log also go through?" And to that I say...

Shiv tosses the necklace in the fire, which is what she could have done from the beginning, thus preventing Jai being trapped in the spirit world with the witch, but at this point, the end is so close, I don't even care. Veer sheds his old man look, and we all realize that Dr. Tetanus was really, really wrong.

The Twist:

Shive finds Jai's guru letter and learns that Jai traded his soul for hers. Veer puts a picture of Jai on their mantle above the fire, thus keeping it all in the family.

Thanks again gang for reading and remember to follow the Facebook page Netflix Horror Blog (search by using @netflixaz) and follow me on Twitter @netflixhorror. Tune in next week for the next exciting episode of Netflix Horror Blog and as always, stay horrific!