13 Cameras

Starring: PJ McCabe, Rachel McAdam's twin sister, Sarah Baldwin, Anthony Jeselnik stand-in, Heidi Niedermeyer, Neville Archambault

Director: Victor "The One Hit Wonder" Zarcoff

Fright Level: 3/10

Horror Takeaway: Maybe sticky-notes over your web-cameras aren’t a bad idea.

Favorite line: "You seem like a reasonable guy."

Welcome back Horror Buffs! This week we dive into Victor Zarcoff's domestic thriller 13 Cameras. If Zarcoff isn't a household name, don't worry, this is the only film he's ever made.

The film is a twofold dissection of the massive surveillance binge we as an American nation have been on in the recent decade and a half, as well as the struggles of domestic life. It's a film that I unexpectedly found entertaining and was surprised to see it held some level of depth. The underlying uneasiness of always being watched to the point where nothing done in the house is secret is unnerving and brought to light in 13 Cameras. Though archetypal characters run rampant, from the creepy old man to the pregnant victim, the film still builds some semblance of relational depth to them.

The opening shot gives us a little background on how many cameras have been purchased in recent years as well as the number of people who've been Peeping Tom-ed because of those cameras. This is all superimposed over a collage of in-home cameras filming daily life, leading me to wonder, "Why do people have cameras in their bathroom showers?"

We then move into the movie as married couple, and expectant parents Ryan (PJ McCabe) and Claire (Brianne Moncrief) view a prospective home to rear their future bundle of joy. The man showing the house, who we don't discover that his name is Gerald (Neville Archambault) until the last thirty seconds of the film, is not concerned with keeping up with fashion. With a stench that repulses Claire (though, what doesn't when you're pregnant?) and a disheveled look that would only be appropriate in L.A., grumpy Gerald miraculously sells the house to the couple, thus proving that really anyone can do real estate.

Claire, who could very well be Rachel McAdams' stand in, and Ryan invite friends over to celebrate their new pad. We plunge into a series of talks about life, pregnancy, and how the owner of the house still smells. Confiding in his Anthony Jeselnik look-alike friend (Jim Cummings), Ryan expresses his frustration with Claire and the fact that he's not getting any action. This sets up Ryan's entire character arc for the remainder of the film, so keep an eye on it.

When the dinner party concludes we cut to a scene of Gerald perusing the various cameras he set up in the house; cameras he purchased at the very beginning of the film. It comes as no surprise since the title of the movie gives away the primary medium of terror, but it's still unsettling.

The film then progresses through a day in the life of the married couple, and we come to discover that Ryan actually is getting some action, just not from Claire. His assistant Hannah (Sarah Baldwin) visits for dinner while Claire is off being pregnant, and luckily they both remembered their birthday suits. What's surprising is that for some reason Gerald has drawn lines in the sand and apparently infidelity is not on his side. It does give his character a certain level of depth, although it's a little uncomfortable having a man who looks like Sloth's cousin on your side. He watches Ryan and Hannah break in some of the new furniture, all the while incredulous that a man could do that to his wife.

When Claire arrives home Ryan's dick-ness is further explored (no pun intended) as he is curt with her on just about everything. His growing annoyance is stunted when he busts open a door they once believed to be the "owner's closet." But the last time the couple checked closets don't have stairs leading to a basement. I relished in the fact that Ryan and Claire never asked whether the house had a basement and are now just coming to that discovery. They immediately forget it exists for the remainder of the film.

The next series of scenes jump between Gerald visiting the house while the couple is away and installing more cameras, befriending the family dog with cheeseburgers, and Ryan continuing his hot fling with Hannah. The only person in the house that seems to use the basement is Gerald. Using his free time wisely he sound proofs it by placing a few foam pads on the door. There is no way that technique works in real life.

All this is building towards the inevitable reveal of Ryan's infidelity. He now receives desperate calls at all hours from Hannah, who is feeling the weight of her guilt. This culminates in a tense moment when Hannah visits Claire while Ryan's away, as she's been summoned to "boost their phones." Unfortunately, Hannah is no IT expert and instead receives a stern reprimand from Ryan when he returns home to find the girls hitting it off pretty well.

Hannah really feels those guilt strings pulling at her heart when she realizes that Claire is pregnant. She ramps up her calls to both Ryan and Claire, wanting the whole situation to come out in the open, but Ryan pulls a fast one and blocks her number. To be honest, I'm pretty impressed at the man's tenacity to keep the whole thing under wraps. The truly sad thing is we're about forty minutes into the film and all 13 Cameras seems to be is one giant Tool Time meets What Lies Beneath episode.

When the toilet in the bedroom bathroom stops working the next day, Gerald is called to the house to fix it. While there he gets a little too close for comfort with Claire and places his old man hands on her stomach. He determines that the baby will be a girl, ruining the big secret Ryan and Claire were waiting for the day of the child's birth.

For those of you keeping track at home, we are now forty-five minutes into the film, and there is still no horror to be found. But, Claire does find a woman's ring by their pool and starts piecing together Ryan's whole scheme. Before she has time to press questions, Hannah gives the Ryan a ring on her new restricted number and threatens to come by and spill the beans.

Deciding that tonight is definitely a dine out night the couple leaves before Hannah arrives. This is when Gerald decides he wants to join the party and stops by while Hannah is still in the house (because somehow she has a key along with everyone else in this movie). Gerald takes care of Ryan's problem, and the last we see of Hannah is her struggle to fight off a strip of tape being placed over her mouth.

Anthony Jeselnik stand-in arrives at Ryan's request to make sure the coast is clear and presses Ryan to come clean. This will be done for Ryan shortly as Audrey (Heidi Niedermeyer) lets Claire in on her husband's secret. This happens right after we get a cutscene of Hannah chained to the wall in Ryan and Claire's basement as Gerald tries to force feed her cheeseburgers. I repeat, there is no way a few pads on the door would sound proof that basement.

Ryan arrives home after work to a bag full of his clothes sitting on the front porch. He finds Claire in the baby's room and gives lying to her face the ol' college try but still gets booted from the house. This sets up Claire to be all alone in the house for the night, not knowing that Hannah is chained in the basement.

The intensity of the film starts to gain traction here when Gerald catches Hannah on camera trying to loosen the chains fastened to the wall. He makes a late night run to the house to put her shenanigans to rest but isn't stealthy enough as Claire hears a noise from the shower. Though finding nothing when she searches the house, Claire starts getting that strange feeling like she's being watched.

The next day Claire steps outside to retrieve Ryan's bag of clothes he didn't take the night before and notices a camera above her front door. Calling Ryan to investigate he doesn't seem to find anything other than a hole in the wood, which led me to wonder how Claire even noticed it in the first place. Good guy Ryan drops back to his usual antics of making Claire feel dumb, this time for thinking there was a camera above their front door, but offers to sleep on the couch just to maintain some sort of chivalry.

We're heading into the homestretch gang, and finally, the action decides to make an appearance. Once again Hannah attempts another heroic escape, this time by blocking the camera watching her with one of the cheeseburger bags. This forces Gerald to make another nightly round but is delayed when the family dog, as most dogs do, ruins the surprise by barking out his presence. When Ryan takes the dog out to do its doggy business, it returns with chunks of burger in his teeth (haven’t we all been there?).

That’s when Hannah starts pounding on the “owner’s closet” door, which Ryan remembers is actually called a basement. Freeing her from her padded dungeon, Ryan tells Claire and Hannah to hide in the bathroom while he wanders the house with a wooden baseball bat, probably hoping that Gerald knows how to do soft-toss. The girls suppress their passive aggressive comments as Claire fails to call the police, because cellphones don’t work in horror films, remember? When Hannah realizes this she climbs through the small bathroom window, promising to get help. Claire is really regretting the baby at this point.

Ryan stalks the house which is now draped in shadows after Gerald cut the power. Seeing his back door open (pun intended) Ryan is tricked and Gerald surprises him with a hammer strike to the head. Dice are rolled, and it’s determined that the attack was a critical hit and that old man strength is a real thing. The next scene is terrifying and horrifically sad as Claire listens to Ryan getting his head bashed in with a hammer.

Meanwhile, Hannah, for reasons that can only be that she’s a blonde, remains on the property and tries to call for help with THE SAME PHONE. Not surprising, Gerald finds her and drowns her in the pool, which to be honest is really easy to avoid when the man can hardly bend over. She just needed to swim further down, forcing Gerald to loosen his grip and then just swim away. No matter, because the hunt for Claire is even more pathetic as he easily finds her still in the bathroom.

The house falls silent.

Gerald drags Claire to the basement.

Some time later police arrive at the house and search for foul play. We discover that it’s Gerald who called them and good on him because horror movie police are about as useful as cell phones. They head down into the basement where we see that it’s nothing more than just that, a basement.

Gerald then drives to another property location where we find him keeping Claire. He tosses her a cheeseburger and heads back to the car.

The Twist:

Before driving off into the credits, we hear a baby coo in the passenger seat, and we see that Gerald is raising Claire’s son. And that his prediction was wrong.

Roll credits.

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